East Bay woman brings comfort, peace by singing to those on the verge of death - Vallejo Times-Herald

PLEASANTON — Barbara Monsler sings at the bedside of the dying, hoping her voice will bring them some peace and comfort in their last days on Earth.

“Easy rest; Love unfolds you and holds you safe,” she’ll sometimes sing In a soft, almost lullaby voice. “You are loved, deeply loved.”

The 76-year-old soprano, a resident of the Stoneridge Creek retirement community in Pleasanton, has been doing that for three decades.

She always liked to sing, taking voice lessons as a child and singing in her church and school choirs. And then, when her mother who had Alzheimer’s was in the last stages of her life, Monsler began singing at her bedside to bring comfort.

” ‘What can I do for you? I can sing.’ So I would sit with my mother and sing when she was going through her transition,” she said.

A computer programmer by trade, Monsler would later change her profession, going back to school to become a marriage and family therapist for about 15 years.

“I was always drawn to listening to people’s stories. So I finally decided that it was time I got some training in my listening,” she said.

Now retired, she’s making those connections with the dying that she used to with patients in a therapy session, though in a slightly different way. Much like a therapy session, when Monsler sings, she observes the person and their body language.

“As we do a self-introduction, we say to them, ‘One of the best compliments we can get is that you fall asleep when we’re singing,’ ” she said.

Compassion drives her. At first, Monsler began singing for people she knew. Then she read about Threshold Choir, and said, “Ah ha! That’s it!”

Threshold Choir follows the motto “compassion made audible.” It began in the Bay Area during the HIV/AIDS crisis after founder Kate Munger sang to a dying friend. Today the choir has more than 100 worldwide chapters. Although some chapters have men, most are all-female choirs and offer their services for free.

“We try to make our presence a gift, a service,” Monsler said.

As she sits next to the bed of someone on the verge of death, she watches how the person is reacting to the music. Some have the attitude of “Death, I don’t do death,” she said, while others seem to implore “Help me let go.” Some simply say, “Thank you,” and  a few have even told the singers “That’s enough.” Some are conscious during the singing, others not.

“It’s like this is my ministry. It’s one of the ways I try to give back in the world. And I love to sing, so it gives me a time (to sing),” Monsler said.

She sang for Alan Wadsworth, a fellow Stoneridge Creek resident who died in October 2017. His wife, Connie Wadsworth, had met Monsler when they moved to Stoneridge about six years ago. When Alan was in hospice care, Monsler approached her neighbor and asked if she could sing for him.

“I was surprised when she mentioned it, but delighted that she did,” Connie said.

She said her husband enjoyed the singing; it helped calm him and he would respond by complimenting how lovely the music was, or thanking her.

“She has a wonderful way about her. Her songs were calming and not religious, but certainly spiritual. She has a beautiful way about her and a beautiful voice,” she said.

When Monsler first started singing at the bedside of friends who had sung in her church choir with her, she chose songs from a CD she used as a therapist, “Songs for the Inner Child.” Now with Threshold, they mostly sing songs written by other choir members.

Through all the years, though, she’s never been at the bedside when someone took their last breath. And in at least one case, she sang to a woman in hospice who actually got better, and went home.

Through her training with the choir and Hope Hospice in Dublin, however, she knows what to expect from death.

“You really look at death in a lot of ways,” she said.

A self-described Christian with a Buddhist slant, she’s currently reading “God as Nature Sees God: A Christian Reading of the Tao Te Ching.”

When she sings, she said she feels a mixture of pride and satisfaction, but also grief and feelings of sorrow.

Family members sometimes sit in on the sessions, finding some comfort themselves.

“I think dying is a natural process, and I think it can sometimes model for families that it’s OK to be with someone who is dying, that it doesn’t need fixing. It’s not necessarily suffering, it’s the journey,” she said.

“I think in our culture, it’s unusual to be accepting of it.”

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East Bay woman brings comfort, peace by singing to those on the verge of death - Vallejo Times-Herald
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